Finding Me.

 When someone decides to start working out and eating healthier, what is usually their number one reason for starting? To lose weight, right? To look better and to feel better about themselves. It's strictly physical. However, the majority of people out there believe that eating healthier is by going on a diet. Restricting yourself and steering away from the foods you love most. Then we have exercising, what a torturous activity! I use to view exercise as a form of punishment. During volleyball season in middle school, if we messed up on a drill we were doing, we would have to go run sprints. Or go through some other type of hell. I hated every second of it. And don't get me started on having to run the mile. That shit started in 5th grade! Being told I have to go do something active against my own will, ruined my perspective on exercise. 

In high school, I tried every diet out there with my mom. How long did the diet last you ask? About a week. I just wanted so badly to be able to eat whatever I wanted, not exercise, and have a rockin' bod all at the same time. All of these other girls in school could do it, why couldn't I? It was so unfair! Let's go back to that day I got in a major fight with my boyfriend at the age of 18. Something inside of me made that choice to go for a run and get away from him. Something inside of me knew that there were ways to find my confidence and discover my true self. I honestly believe that was the day I found myself because I found the strength within me to walk away from something that was toxic. Moving back home, away from that boy, was liberating! 

Once I got settled back into my parents place in Southern UT, I would go for a short run every single night. I didn't run the whole time, and it was usually only for thirty to forty five minutes. There was a lot of walking involved in the beginning, but I was doing it. I was moving my body. I soon discovered techno music and that became my escape while running. Funny I know, but there's some damn good music out there that pairs perfectly with running. I think because it was MY idea to go for those runs, not some teacher or coach telling me I had to, it was easier to do it. I know, you don't have to tell me, I'm literally the most stubborn person on the planet, next to my toddler. 

About a month had gone by and I was feeling amazing. What I didn't expect to change so much was my mental and emotional state. I was completely focused on changing my outer body in the beginning. But what I was experiencing on the inside was incredible. I felt...happy with myself. For the first time in a really, really long time, I was proud. Going for those runs wasn't easy for me, in fact, there were times I hated every second of it. What I craved was the way I felt after the run. It was a high in itself. I also noticed that because I was busting my ass every day on those runs, I didn't crave all the shitty food I used to eat. My body craved wholesome foods. That is when I started researching different foods and learning about their benefits for the body. I was fascinated! 

Within six months of me consistently running at least 4-5 times a week (30-45 min a day), and completely changing the way I ate, the weight was just melting away. I wasn't on a "diet". I still indulged in certain foods on occasion. Key word "on occasion". All things in moderation. Ya feel me? So don't do away with ice cream, or a burger, or whatever your little taste buds desire. Just don't eat it every single day! Your body needs fruits and vegetables, protein, and healthy carbs. Oh, and a shit ton of water! Just do away with your juices and sodas completely. I promise. Your skin will thank you for it ;). What I also have learned is portion control, don't eat so much that your belly feels like it's going to explode. When you feel satisfied, stop eating. Drink some water and move on. You want to know the only shitty thing about my weight going down so quickly? Well, it really wasn't that quick, but because I had enough to lose that it became noticeable that I was losing it, some people assumed I was doing drugs or something. WTF?! Really?! That is when I realized that there will always be haters, even if you are doing good. So bring on the haters. All that matters is that you're taking care of you and your health. The people who truly know you, and care about you, will cheer you on and be proud of you. 

So that's my "secret" to how I began my weight loss journey. It was a complete change of lifestyle. It's been 11 years and I still live this same lifestyle. See how I said lifestyle? I didn't purchase a one month gym membership or some crazy expensive supplements promising I would lost weight. I didn't go on another horrible diet. I shifted my entire routine, my choices on food, my outlook on life and the people I surrounded myself with. I don't really run anymore, it became hard on my knees, and a pain in the ass trying to pick the perfect time to go because I've got 3 littles at home and needed my husband to be home with them while I went. But I still exercise 6 days a week. I discovered at-home workouts on YouTube and that's become my new obsession. I'm in the best shape I have ever been in, even after 3 kids. If you truly want to work on your health, find something you love doing and do it every day. Make it apart of your daily routine. Exercise and eating healthy is a habit. Pretty soon it becomes so automatic you don't even have to think about it, you just do it. I promise it's totally worth it. 

I'm grateful that I wasn't naturally thin. I wouldn't tell you that then haha! But now, I'm grateful I had to work for it. Also, I hate the word "skinny" and "fat". In this house we say you're either healthy or unhealthy. And we work on having a healthy and strong body, mind, and spirit. When you do something really hard, and you do it over and over again, you build your confidence up. You feel accomplished, and empowered. Just like I said in my previous post, after pushing out three humans, I felt like I was on top of the world. Imagine feeling a fraction of that on a daily basis because you got up and did something that not everyone does. If it were easy, everyone would do it! 

Planting the seed.

 Hello again, let's talk body image for a second. Did you know, around 25% of male children/adolescents in the US are concerned about their body image? Want to know an even more shocking number for females ages 13 and younger? Around 50% of young girls have reported being unhappy with their body. This number grew up to nearly 80% by the time girls reached 17 years of age. Nearly 80% of young teenage girls report fears of becoming fat. 

I understand it's difficult for both men and women, but for some reason, women live their daily lives constantly concerned with the way their body looks. It's not thin enough, tight enough, certain areas aren't round enough, smooth enough, and on, and on, and on...I am 100% guilty of this way of thinking. When I was younger, around the age of 12, puberty was working it's way into my life, and my body started changing. I grew a set of boobs that no 7th grader should ever have to deal with. By the time I reached 8th grade I was known as the girl with big boobs. I was already painfully shy growing up, and receiving this kind of attention made me want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I soon started to get bullied by someone very close to me. Whenever we would get into a fight, the big F word was thrown at me. And I don't mean the fuck word. I mean F-A-T. When that knife was thrown my way, boy did it cut deep. Not only did it cut deep, but coming from someone who was close to me, and supposed to help lift me up, shot me straight down, so why wouldn't I believe it? 

I started playing volleyball my 8th grade year and LOVED it. I was good at it. What I didn't love, and what I wasn't good at, was all the running and conditioning we had to do during practices. I hated it with a passion. My giant boobs never behaved, they were always touching the net when I would jump up to block and holding my fists together to bump the ball was stupid. I hated my boobs. I was convinced that I looked so fat because of these giant things on my chest. Ninth grade came around and I continued playing volleyball, but my boobs just kept getting bigger. I remember one horrifying day that I was actually sent home because my cleavage was so bad. I swear to god I could wear a turtleneck and my tits would still be hanging out. Ok, ok, that was an exaggeration, but you get my drift. The suckers were big! I also somehow gained a boyfriend at this time. He was weird, insecure, and emo, but I was weird and insecure too. He was 2 years older than me, had a car, played the cool guy card, and I was in love. I was also 14 and definitely not old enough to have a serious boyfriend, but we were inseparable. He also liked my giant boobies (facepalm). By the end of my ninth grade year I was so over my boobs getting in the way of my school and sport life that my dear sweet mom offered to take me in to a doctor and talk about a breast reduction. I was like, "you can do that?!" I was terrified, but jumped on board right away. Fantasizing about adorable little boobies on my chest was all I thought about. Oh how skinny I would look! My boyfriend at the time however, was not so thrilled about my decision. The last day of school came and went, and a couple weeks later I was scheduled for my first ever surgery, to cut my titties off. Yikes! The surgery took 3 hours, and I woke up loopy as hell, with boobies 2 cup sizes smaller. I was in heaven. I had the whole summer to heal and build a relationship with these new friends of mine.  

I thought having smaller boobs would fix all of my body image issues that I had with myself. Boy was I wrong. I had the same boyfriend up until the end of my junior year. When I said we were inseparable, I wasn't joking. We were always together. I even quit playing volleyball because spending time with him was more fun, and easier, than getting up and running my ass off at practice everyday. With a young love comes stupid choices. Stupid health choices. We ate cheap fast food all the time because neither of us had any money. I rarely did anything active at this point in my life and my weight was going up, and my confidence was going down. The day that broke me was stepping on to a scale, and I saw 200 lbs. 16 years old and 200 lbs nearly killed me. Remember my bully I told you about? Yeah, that kept getting worse with each fight we would get into. My boyfriend also had a couple buddies that were mad at him, and used me as the dagger. He would get messages like "your girlfriend is fat". Ouch! So not only is someone close to me calling me fat, but now outsiders are saying it too. It has been confirmed. I am fat. Which means there must be something wrong with me, right? That's how I felt. I felt worthless. Why would anyone want to be my friend? 

The summer before my senior year of highschool, my boyfriend and I broke up. At this point in my life I couldn't even tell you why. But I was completely devastated and heartbroken. It felt like I was mourning the death of my best friend. I had a couple close friends my senior year, but not many. I had lost a best friend a few years back due to some mean girls who started a rumor, and my other close friend discovered the beauty of vodka and boys, so I didn't see her much. My life consisted of a lot of TV, and food. I did have a job once I could drive that kept me busy after school and on weekends, but going out with friends on my free time was a rare occasion. I felt so out of place. I hated my body, I hated dressing up, I hated going shopping because nothing ever fit cute. I craved attention from boys but always got negative attention. I finally met a guy who was older than me, living on his own a few hours away from home. He genuinely liked me and we clicked really well. He slowly pulled me out of my little shell and he became my best friend. I also started drinking and smoking pot with him. I loved to drink. I felt confident and on top of the world when I would drink. I ended up moving in with him in a bedroom he was renting from one of his friends. I sort of worked, and he worked at a call center. This is where I discovered that working a normal 9-5 was so not my cup of tea. I have started and quit so many jobs in my life, simply because I wasn't happy there. My happy place is very important to me. 

Since I was so broke, living 3 hours away from home, and felt so incredibly lost in life, things just didn't feel right. Obviously. I was still pretty insecure and my boyfriend and I started getting into stupid fights. One fight got so bad, he grabbed me and threw me against a wall. It scared the shit out of me. I decided that day I was moving back home. Away from him, and to find myself again. The day before I moved home though, I remember putting on some cheap sneakers and attempted going for a run on the trail behind our apartment. This is the day a little tiny seed was planted. All it took was this half assed run to realize that is was I needed. I felt amazing. I felt clear headed. I felt strong. I don't know what it was about that day, because I was forced to run the mile in middle and high school, and I hated every second of it. In fact, I would come up with excuses to get out of running the mile.  Perhaps because it was my choice to step outside and go for a run, made it seem more doable. Or maybe I felt empowered because for the first time, I was the one putting my foot down and walking out of a bad relationship. Honestly, I'm sure it was a combination of both. 

The day I moved home, my sister had one of her new boy toys over and boy toy brought his friend. He was cute, tall, funny, and he liked me. God dammit. Here we go again. Falling for a boy just because he showed interest in me. He held a level of confidence though that I admired. I wanted to feel that way and I remembered that run I went on. I did feel that way. So, I thought, if I could get even more skinny, then this guy is going to stick around. Not the healthiest foundation to start a weight loss journey on, but hey, I'm just being real. 

Shortly after I met boy toys friend, he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes, and a whole two months went by before he became yet another toxic one too. We broke up, I felt all the feels for about a day, went for a run and was healed! What?! Just kidding. But I did handle it WAY better than I handled the last two break ups. It was time to focus on me now. I continued my nightly runs, got my ass signed up for hair school (which I dropped out of by the way. We'll get into that in another post), made a few new friends and just had fun. I was finally figuring out who Miquela was. The shy curtain was finally coming off.

There's something about stepping outside into mother nature, throwing some music in your ears, and hitting the pavement that becomes addicting. Sure it's difficult during the actual run, but each time you go, your body gets a little stronger and you're able to run just a little longer. It's a mental game for sure. Positive self talk is the key factor in order to keep going. Exercise isn't just sweating your ass off and being sore. It really does affect your mind and your spirit. It's incredible! You truly do form into a new person on the inside. That is what keeps me going, 11 years later. Moving my body literally feeds my soul. It helps me have a clear mind. God knows I need that with 3 little girls running around! I'm able to hold my head high and look people in the eye. It helps me be a better partner to my better half, and a better mother to my children. It helps me walk into a room and not worry what other people are thinking of me. The benefits are endless. I could go on forever. If there's one thing I will forever be grateful for, is finding my love for health and fitness. Not just because it helped me lose weight, but because it helped me grow tremendously in mind, body, and spirit. 

Just get started!

What do you want to do with your life? Do you want to continue with that 9-5 job, only making a set amount of money each month, just to get by? I sure as hell don't! There are so many things I have wanted to start doing, but I kept getting in my own way. I fall into the trap of the "what ifs". That fucking hole is deep and is sure to keep you stuck. What if people hate it? What if I sound dumb? What if I can't handle the rude comments? And on, and on, and on....

I keep asking the universe for a sign, or a direction to put me in, and you want to know what keeps getting thrown in my face? "Just start doing it!" Whatever it is you want to do, DO IT. Podcast after podcast, book after book. What are you waiting for? If you're waiting for the perfect time, you're never going to do it. It's not going to be perfect, nothing is at first. JUST GET STARTED. You'll learn, and get better along the way. You're doing this for you, remember? Nobody else. This is supposed to be enjoyable. Who cares what anyone thinks? You're fucking doing it. That deserves a round of applause. 

When someone looks at me and asks what my greatest accomplishment is, there are two things that come to mind. First one being, I was able to climb out of my insecure, shy little self, lose 75 pounds, and gain a confidence within myself that I never thought was possible. That is going to be a big topic that I bring to this blog. I'm going to share how I did it, and how I've maintained a healthy lifestyle ever since. I don't know one woman out there who has not been insecure about their body. It's drilled into us from such a young age, especially with the rise on social media. The pressure to look flawless, thin, cellulite-less, blah blah blah, is crazy! I still fall into the mindset that I could improve, whether it be my figure, my skin, my hair, my nails. Why can't we love ourselves the way we are? I've found that when I practice self love, and truly feel love for myself, is when I'm taking care of myself. Inside and out. Eating healthy, drinking water, daily exercise, affirmations, grounding, reading, all the things that truly represent self care. When I do all of those things, loving myself, and having confidence comes so easy. That is a huge reason I want to open up and share my stories. I know thousands of women will be able to relate to me and what I went through growing up. 

My second accomplishment that comes to mind is having babies...100% naturally, in the comfort of my own home. Getting an epidural was out of the question for me. Not because I couldn't get one, but because I know what's best for me and my babies, and doing it without drugs, in my safe haven, was the best option for me. After you birth a human, you feel like a fucking warrior. You feel unstoppable, like nothing can touch you. I went through one of the most painful things a human can go through, and I felt every bit of it. And guess what? I lived to tell about it! I don't mean to sound like I'm better than anyone who has received an epidural, but it's something I'm damn proud of and I'm going to brag about it until the day I die. I feel like if I talk about it enough, I can encourage other women to trust their bodies and do the same. There's just nothing like welcoming your new wee one into your home, literally. Your own bed, your own shower, your own food, a hospital just doesn't come close! 

I love hearing people share their stories. I love knowing that I'm not the only one who has gone through something really hard, and overcame a trial. Why do we scroll and scroll and scroll on social media everyday? Because we can relate to half of the shit that gets posted on there. We feel connected to complete strangers. Sounds weird, but it's true. So here I am, jumping the gun and finally getting started. Opening up to the world in such a way that I never have before. I'm excited and nervous and ready to help people reach their goals in life. I know that we go through certain things in life, so that one day we can share our experience to help someone else. 

My next post is going to be all about my weight loss. My tips, tricks, workouts, recipes, you get the picture. Can't wait to share my life with the world :D